chapter 00 — orbit entrylive · cedar city, ut · 2026
kelseyverse™
Plant Bitch
welcome to my orbit.
plant mom.dog mom.actual mom.big boss at zip kit.
certified chaos with a blog and no niche. no schedule. no apologies. just life,
the plants, an aussie heeler with strong opinions about your shoelaces, and whatever needs
to get out of my head.
∞plants
2unhinged babies
13dispatches
4obsessions
8loud bitches
read the orbit
powder untied my shoes again 🐾currently rotating: 2000s girly pop to 90s rap. simultaneously.the philodendron is going to be fine. i've decided.trailing plants are everything and i will not be taking questionsdrop 01 incoming ✦ plant bitch botanicalsgym bro jr. has entered the building 🏋️big bertha has entered the guest room. pray for the hooks. 🌿never recolor the neon pink. pink is the voice.
powder untied my shoes again 🐾currently rotating: 2000s girly pop to folk. simultaneously.the philodendron is going to be fine. i've decided.trailing plants are everything and i will not be taking questionsdrop 01 incoming ✦ plant bitch botanicalsgym bro jr. has entered the building 🏋️big bertha has entered the guest room. pray for the hooks. 🌿never recolor the neon pink. pink is the voice.
chapter 01 — the human
hi, i'm kelsey.
former career waitress - attempted house keeper - turned whatever-this-is. cedar city, ut. she/her.
i'm kelsey. loudest plant mom in cedar city.
dog mom, actual mom, big boss at zip zit. i process
life by naming my personality traits and letting them
argue on the internet.
some people journal. some people go to therapy. i made a raccoon named
cache who stress-eats vintage M&Ms and rewrites the rules mid-crisis.
no niche. no schedule. no apologies. just the plants, the dog,
the people I love and can't quite figure out, the job, the chaos, and
whatever needs to get out of my head.
— k ✦
the crew — recurring narrators
meet the voices in my head
they started as ways to handle feelings. now they have opinions. now they write posts.
introducing a few of the chaos crew — the rest will surface when they feel like it.
featured 03 / 07
named for survival
paid in snacks
🐾
cache · 01
the raccoon · chief debugger
"stress-eats vintage m&ms and talks to the dom. one button. one granola bar.
one complete ui collapse."
— a memoir by cache 🐾
🐧
kevin · 02
the penguin · wellness liaison
"schedules mandatory wellness check-ins. brings tea. makes printouts. nobody comes. he's fine. (he's not fine.)"
— kevin 🐧
✨
crumbz · 03
the ceiling gremlin · glitter gremlin
"glued to the ceiling with strong opinions about kevin's hydration reminders. cannot be reasoned with. will not come down."
— crumbz ✨
chapter 02 — dispatches from orbit
latest from the orbit
new post drops when something happens worth writing about. which turns out to be…
a lot. plant crises, work plot twists, powder's new villain arc, and the crew
occasionally hijacking the keyboard.
13 posts total
updated: today
no algorithm, just vibes
plant momcertified chaos04 / 16 / 2026
i brought home a beast.
she was fifteen feet long, had no drainage, and survived anyway. i drove an hour
with cody, wrestled her into chip, and now she's staging in the guest room until
i get hooks up.
dropped ryden at grandma's, detoured to a mystery home depot with powder in his
harness, came home to a scraggly betsy, and spent my friday night listening to
old hags argue about pigeons.
i interviewed for admin assistant. i started in purchasing. now i run the place.
the road in between involved hawaii, a surprise wife, a walmart reunion, and walking
out over name cards.
all i wanted was a quick root check. what i got was an explosion, five secret
plants, a two-foot vine of pure beauty, and gnat-infested soil that needed to
be returned to nature immediately.
my gym goal is not health or fitness. it's so my daughter can one day look a man
dead in the eyes and say "my mom can and will beat your ass on sight."
updated whenever i notice i've done the same thing four times in a row without
realizing. the running log of my unexamined enthusiasms.
log entry · week 16
4 active obsessions
zero regrets
🌿
this weeksince: forever
trailing plants.
all of them. pothos, string of pearls, tradescantia, heartleaf philodendron
— if it hangs and drapes and grows in every direction with zero chill, i am
obsessed with it. they're so cute. i can't explain it. i won't try.
#pothos · #pearls · #tradescantia · #philodendron
🐾
ongoingsince: march 2026
powder's current villain arc.
untying shoes. specifically. not chewing them. not stealing them. just untying
them. every single time. with surgical precision. he finds a tied shoe,
makes eye contact, and gets to work. we don't know why. we have accepted it.
#powder · #heeler · #unsolved
🎧
rotatingsince: always
what's in my ears.
everywhere all at once. 2000s girly pop one minute, current girly pop the next,
then suddenly old school rap. there is no pattern. there is no playlist.
there is only the vibe of the moment and i follow it completely.
#girlypop · #rap · #novibes-nomusic
🐟
on repeatsince: lent, apparently
on the dinner rotation.
salmon & tilapia. repeatedly. i have made some version of salmon or
tilapia for dinner more times than i can count lately and i am not even a little
sorry about it. it's good. it's easy. powder stares at me the entire time i
cook it. worth it.
#salmon · #tilapia · #powderstaring
& i'll be taking zero notes ♡
chapter 04 — the photos
from my orbit
dog, plants, kid, chaos, the occasional snow day. a rolling photo reel of
my actual life. tap any tile for the whole story.
10 artifacts shown
full archive: 147
refreshed weekly-ish
small-batch propagations and babies from my own jungle. shipped with
care instructions in my voice, obviously. while supplies last — and
by "supplies" i mean "whatever i can bear to part with this week."
live goods / 2026 4 plants available
more when i propagate more
