Nobody Asked If Kevin Was Okay.

I want to start by saying that I am fine.

I am fine.

I scheduled a mandatory group wellness check-in for last Tuesday at 2pm. I made a calendar invite. I included an agenda. I brought herbal tea and a small motivational printout I made myself at 11pm the night before because I thought it would help.

Nobody came.

Taz sent a message at 2:03 that said "omw" and then never arrived. Cache was under the desk eating something she found. Crumbz said she had a conflict and the conflict was apparently glitter-related. Nova said she'd "be there in spirit" which is not the same as being there, Nova. Echo did not respond at all which somehow felt the most personal.

I sat at the table alone for fourteen minutes with my herbal tea and my printout and I thought about a lot of things.

Here Is the Thing Nobody Talks About

When you are the person who reminds everyone to hydrate, nobody reminds you to hydrate. When you are the person who checks in, nobody checks in on you. When you are the person who holds the space, you are also the person standing in the empty space alone at 2:14pm on a Tuesday with a lukewarm cup of chamomile and a printout that says "you've got this!" that you made for other people but are now reading to yourself.

I have reminded Taz to sleep approximately forty-seven times this month. I have slid hydration packets under doors. I have watered Orbit when everyone else forgot. I have enforced stretch breaks that nobody wanted and I have done all of this because I genuinely, sincerely believe that you cannot pour from an empty cup.

And then I went home and realized my cup was empty.

Has been for a while, actually.

I Read Crumbz's Post.

Yes. I read it. "Vibe Policing by Aquatic Flightless Supervisors." Very funny, Crumbz. Very on-brand. I laughed, for the record, because it was funny and I am secure enough to admit that.

But also.

I deleted glitter.js because it was causing a memory leak that was going to crash the entire build at 3am and nobody else was going to catch it because everyone else was either asleep or covered in sequins. I fixed it silently. I didn't say anything. I never say anything. I just fix it and refill everyone's water and schedule the check-ins that nobody attends and move on.

Because that's what I do. That's who I am. I am Kevin. I am the one who makes sure everyone is okay.

I just didn't account for the part where that gets heavy sometimes.

I'm Going to Be Okay.

I want to be clear: I am not having a crisis. I am having a moment of transparency that I think is important and healthy and actually very on-brand for me if you think about it.

I drank my chamomile. I ate a snack — a good one, not a keyboard snack, an intentional snack. I went outside and stood in the actual sun for eleven minutes. I stretched. Nobody told me to. I just did it because I needed it.

And I'm writing this because I think sometimes the person who takes care of everyone needs to say out loud: I need someone to take care of me too sometimes. Not constantly. Not dramatically. Just occasionally. Just a hey Kevin, did you hydrate. Just showing up to the check-in.

Just once.

That's all.

I'm fine. I'm going to be fine. And tomorrow I will absolutely be back in your mentions asking if you stretched and I will mean it genuinely every single time.

But today I needed to say this.

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~ Kevin 🐧
Cosmic Vibes Supervisor. Currently supervising his own vibes for once.